August 9, 2013

Self, Self!

I know I have not written in a while. I have been scaling back on a lot of things in life that are less important, and the computer and Internet stuff is one of them. Not that you aren't all important to me. But I have found that in order to get a better hold on some things in my life I have needed to schluff off some things and start with basics again.

Depression is still a huge part of my life. My Dr. can't seem to find any medication I can take. But that is nothing really new. My body has never tolerated meds very well. Now some of you are thinking what the heck does that mean?!! Well let me put it this way..... When I go to the Dentist I take 6 or more shots just to keep me numb. Most people only need about 1 shot. I use up almost the whole bottle.  When my Dr. was trying to treat my Circadian Rhythms disease I would take 4 Ambien and 2 Lunesta and it still wouldn't help me sleep. I would get a little funny and say weird things, but no sleep. Most people only need to take about half of an Ambien pill.  Tylenol PM does not work, and Nyquil only makes me Hyper. When I have a headache Ibuprofen 800 mg. will barely treat it. When I have a Surgery I ALWAYS warn the anesthesiologist that my body burns through meds at a much higher rate than most people. They never believe me and I always wake up half way through the surgery. Super fun times. Ughhh!!!  So it makes it hard to treat the common cold when Dr.'s can't find anything to help, let alone treat depression.  And we won't even start in on the side effects of trying several different kinds.  So mostly I just try to work through each day. The anxiety attacks have for the most part gone away. I haven't had one in almost a month.....Thank goodness!!

 I had a massive blowout fight with someone. If you know me well, then you know I am a fighter. I stand up for things and I speak my mind. I don't see the point in sugar coating things for people, and that often gets me into trouble. Well I have known this person since I was a little person.  They are more of the shy, keep quiet type, and I am loud and sometimes obnoxious.  Well I have always looked up to her. Idolized her is a more accurate term. She is stunningly beautiful, smart, ridiculously talented, and has the perfect family and career. Literally everything she tries she masters with a perfection. Now I am sure she isn't perfect, but this is the view I have of her. From what I have seen of pictures on FaceBook, to what I hear about her life. She seems pretty darn perfect to me.  Well my life has been a pretty big mess for a year and a half now.  I have trying my hardest to get a grasp on things, but it has felt impossible. So when I have had hard days she was the ONLY person I could really call and tell almost everything to. I could whine, cry, complain, and unload my burdens. Then we would talk and she would put things into a better perspective for me and I would continue trying to get things in order. I could rely on her to be there for me to lean on when I truly needed someone.  Well I had no clue that this was pissing her off. One day she completely exploded over the phone to me. I had sent her a text that I found funny in a your a real dork kind of way. She found it offensive. I apparently thought we had a different relationship than she did.  We proceeded to argue back and forth and finally I stated that we weren't getting anywhere with this talking like that and hung up. A few days later I received an e-mail response from her and for a few days she literally pointed out what a piece of crap  am and that she has had years of pent up anger with me.   This was devastating to me. I had no idea my best friend thought this way about me. I felt crushed and truly alone. She thought I wasn't taking care of my sons medical needs, and had a lot of wrong facts about me. I felt betrayed in a way.   The reason I am telling you all this is that I am so sick and tired of feeling like I need to walk on egg shells for everyone. I am who I am. And I am in the process still of figuring all that stuff out.  That's right folks I am a 30 year old Mom to a toddler and I still don't have things figured out. I thought I did, but alas I was wrong. So now I am trying to figure things out. But I am so dang sick and tired of people thinking that I need to act and be like them, that I should be a certain way.  I am who I am and I am working on being a better me and being happy with me.  I am sick of family and friends making comments about my weight. I am fat and I know it, and I work on losing weight. Some days more than others. But remember that it s my body not yours. If it bothers or embarrasses you to be around me I can remedy that and not burden you with my presence.   And if you have a problem with anyone talk to them first about it before it eats away at you and you explode your venom all over them. It could save a valued friendship if you just talk about things.

So other than that we have been busy around here. Papa Bear is gearing up for his 7th deployment in the fall. He will be going to Afghanistan. We don't know where, but we think he might be traveling around to different places.  We are looking at a 9-13 month deployment so he will miss all the major events like Holidays, and Birthdays.  And he is going to be away from Baby Bear which I think will be the hardest. We have done several deployments before and we can survive. But this will be the first one since Baby Bear arrived.  And Bears adores his Papa. We are afraid it will break his little heart. But Papa really wanted to volunteer for this one as he hasn't led Marines as a SNCO out of country. It will help his career.  We are going to use our Flip camera that was given to us and record Papa Reading most of Baby Bear's books. That way Papa can still read to him. ;0)

Baby Bear has become really independent lately. Whenever you go to the kitchen to make something or get water, he pats himself on the chest and says Self, Self. It is his way of saying he wants to do it himself. He did it last night when I made a batch of cookies. lol He grabbed the spatula from me and told me Self. ha ha ha It is so cute when he does that. He will also grab the Ipad and ask to watch RC Cars on YouTube and then tell us he will do it himself! lol 

I have gotten better control over the house, and Bears and I take pictures of his room or Living room after just to show proof that it was clean before Bear's unleashes his toys on the rooms. I just wanted proof that I didn't photoshop pictures or anything. ha ha ha ha

Bear's has really become my little buddy. He normally is his Papa's buddy and is very attached to him. But over the last few weeks he wants to cuddle with me at night, or wants me to read him stories or play with him. Even last night he wanted me to put him to bed instead of his Papa. That was kind of a shock to me because that is him and his Papa's thing. They have a nightly routine that is just for them, but he wanted his Mama. I have to admit it makes me feel kinda special. lol  In the mornings is my favorite. I am not a morning person at all. And as much as I try and as much caffeine as I consume it still doesn't help. And my little Bear is a really early riser sometimes. So we always get up and go into the living room and lay down on the couch together and cuddle under a blanket with pillows and watch cartoons for a little bit until we are awake then we get our pancakes for breakfast. But I adore our morning cuddle time that we have most mornings.

Well that is all that is going on right now.  I will try to write again soon.

XoXo- Mama Bear