May 23, 2013

Depression Hurts

Yup it sure does.  Many of you have read it in my posts, and have heard from me that I have been severely depressed for a little over a year.  I have suffered from it off and on my whole life, but could normally kick it aside with a little effort and time.  This last year and a half however it took it's heaviest toll on me. I have found myself paralyzed from it.

A lot of people do not understand depression. My husband being one of them. He says he doesn't understand it. Like how I tell how I feel. He does not understand why I would feel that way. So I am going to do my best to describe it.

I have good and bad days. Most of the day last Sunday was a good day. I felt well enough and with enough energy to get some cleaning done and make cookies for my sweet bear. Today is a good day, I have been able to stay awake and play with bears.

Bad days feel like I am trapped in the dark, that a cloud follows me everywhere. I cannot find positive in anything, and gloom surrounds me. I feel exhausted all the time. I go to sleep tired and wake up even more tired. I am so tired in fact that sometimes I cannot even keep my eyes open. I wake up bright and early with Baby bear and make sure he is all set up and give him food to eat. I change him and make sure he is good to go. Then as I feel like I am fading I lay down on the couch and fade in and out while my bear sits on me and plays for a while. I never truly fall asleep as I am aware of Bears playing, but I am unable to keep my eyes open.  I in no way think this okay, and hate and despise myself for doing it. I have tried drinking caffeine soda, even tried drinking coffee which is just plain nasty but I can't stay awake. I have tried doing activities to keep me awake, but find that keeping my eyes open is nearly impossible. I even tried driving to the park one day, and as I sat at the picnic table watching Bears play I was falling asleep.  I stopped reading books for almost a year. And I adore reading. I haven't crafted anything in months because I cannot find any joy in it. I haven't even been in my favorite store Hobby Lobby because I can't justify driving all the way to Temecula when I know I won't find anything fun to do. And most likely I will spend money on a project I won't do for ages, so I find no point.   Food is such a vice. I find I don't have energy to stand in the kitchen long and make a big meal sine Baby Bear won't eat it, and so I end up grabbing something easy that isn't very healthy and makes me gain weight which adds to my depression. It is such a vicious cycle.

I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel, I cannot see this getting better, and that in turn adds to my depression. My body aches, I have no energy, and fear going into public. This month alone I haven't even sold any scentsy at all. Social outings I normally cancel because I can't make myself go. No one wants to talk to the sad fat girl, and I find I cannot relate to anyone. I have nothing to talk about to others. I don't call people because I cannot find a topic besides a simple question.  I don't attend friends events and send Papa Bear and Baby Bear in my place figuring no one will really notice I am not there.  I have to really fight with myself to get out of the house 3 times a week for Bear's Speech Therapy and Dr. appointments. I would much rather hide at home than go out.

Cleaning the house is an overwhelming task. I feel so hopeless from it and it makes my depression so much worse that I cannot get things done or even get a handle on it. I am to embarrassed to let a maid come in and do it, and so it adds to the cycle of my depression. Everything seems to feed it and so it is just a huge cycle that I cannot break.

Poor Baby Bear's has been such a huge trooper. He hangs with his Mama and helps me through my days. He is my little anchor in all of this.  His medical problems add to my depression and anxiety, and it worries me so very much. I wish I could help him but  nothing we (his doctors and us) do helps.  But his bright little smile helps me through the hard days.

Last week was a terrible week. My Dr. put me on a new medication to give me a boost of energy and help me out. Instead it landed me in the hospital with a severe anxiety attack that was so debilitating. I couldn't seem to catch my breath or stop crying. I was fidgety and really anxious.  I dropped Bear's off with his Papa at work so he could take him to speech therapy. I called my Dr.'s but got no reply so I drove myself crying to the Camp Pendleton Naval Hospital because I knew I needed help and was having a severe reaction.  I waited and waited to be seen by someone because I didn't have an appointment. Finally someone saw me. She was really nice but told me she couldn't help me because I am normally seen by an outside provider. So she called that Dr. and wasn't able to get through. She told me to go home and wait for a call from my Dr. at around 4:30 p.m. She told me to call her if I needed anything. REALLY?!!! I was needing help then.She was going to give me her number but then told me that she would call me the next day. (she never did) I drove crying to my Dr.'s hoping for some kind of help. I went to the receptionist and was reminded that I do not have an appointment. As tears were rolling down my face I told the receptionist that I was having a bad reaction to my med and was trying my hardest to keep my shit together and needed to speak to my Dr.!!! She got the hint! My Dr. took one look at me and told me I needed to go to the hospital. If I was a danger to myself then I would be handcuffed and taken to the hospital to be admitted. I chose to go myself. As fun as a handcuffed ride in a cop car sounds I chose to not take that route. Of course I can't harm myself. I cannot abandon my Bear. But I want so badly for it all to just end and go away.

I drove myself home crying the whole way. Papa Bear came home and him and Bears took me to a different hospital. They questioned me, assured me I wold be admitted and took some tests. They put me in a room and told me to strip down and put on a hospital gown. (Really? Why?) I put on the gown and sat and waited and waited. A Dr. came to see me and as I cried he told me it was just a reaction and it would get out of my system. I felt like screaming at him ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME?!!! After that I put some of my clothes back on under my gown. no one noticed. He had another Dr. come in an hour later and we talked for about half an hour. I cried and cried. I was fidgeting and anxious. She told me she didn't want to admit me but to keep seeing my current Dr. for care.  At 9 p.m. I was released. When I read my paperwork from the hospital it appeared they thought I was on drugs and ran an entire drug panel on me. And even though it all came back negative they weren't taking me seriously.  Thanks folks! Like it isn't hard enough and humiliating enough to ask for help and admit something is wrong.....but multiple people won't help?!!!!!! So I went home where the rest of the week I struggled severely.

So here I am. I want my friends to understand why I have withdrawn.  This once spunky cheerleader is now quiet and struggling.

Talk to you all soon

XoXo- Mama Bear

May 10, 2013

Disney Love

Thursday I decided to take Baby Bear on a hot date to DisneyLand. My annual pass was about to expire and I really wanted to go one last time with my bear since I haven't decided if I should renew it or not. I have for sure got my money out of it this last year, I am just not sure how much longer we will be here.

So the Bear's and I got ready and headed out around his nap time so he would sleep in the car. I didn't want to leave early in the morning as he won't nap at the park and a melt down would be unavoidable.  Also we have been enough times that we don't feel the need to rush around and try to see every attraction in one day. So we spent 6 hours in the park and that was perfect.  We had a bit of a rough start getting on the road. I had this nagging feeling the whole time pulling at me that I shouldn't go. But I really wanted to go one last time before my pass expired. So I pressed on. I only had $40 to go to the park but that is plenty. But with our rough start I couldn't get my card to work and needed gas since Papa left my car on empty. So I spent $20 on gas.

    We got to the park and I parked in the Disney and friends parking structure. It is my favorite one and closest to the park. I also love that my car is not in the blazing sun all day. After we packed up the stroller and headed out of the structure we stopped in the shade for a snack. I ate a sandwich and all I could get bears to eat was a bit of cookie. Then we headed on the Tram. A really nice couple helped us on the tram. The woman held the door, and the husband lifted up the stroller for me. That is the only part about getting to the park I hate. Trying to hang on to Baby Bear and haul everything into the tram in a hurry. Bear's loves the tram. He call's it the train, and points at all the Disney pictures along the way trying to sound them out.

   As soon as we entered the entry point to both the parks the Monorail went by and Baby Bear screamed and pointed saying train. lol he loved it.  As soon as we got into DisneyLand the old steam engine pulled up in front and blew it's whistle. Baby Bear screamed and stood up in his stroller pointing at the train and oohing and awwing at it. He kept pointing at the train that he wanted to go.  So we went into the park and first saw Minnie Mouse.  She barely had a line to meet her so we stepped in line and got a picture.

Next we went to the Baby Care Center and made sure Baby Bear was all fresh and clean. Then we headed down Main Street towards the train. We stopped and said hello to a Clydesdale named Lucky. Baby Bear thought he was pretty awesome looking and so big.  We got on the train and Baby Bear was excited until the last second. Then he changed his mind once we were on and wasn't so sure about it. But we were on the train for the long haul. We rode around the entire park and got back off at Main Street.

 Next we headed to the petting zoo in FrontierLand. Baby Bear sure loved petting the animals. He loved the Clydesdale, but I think the goats and sheep were his favorite. I couldn't get him to leave. lol

After we headed to get some water from one of the restaurants. They always have free ice water and it saves a lot of money. Now that we were hydrated we stood in line to ride the Dumbo ride. I think this might be Bear's  favorite ride at the park.

Next Bear's and I went to the main pin store and he picked out each of us pins for our collections. And Mama had just enough money to buy him a new car from the Car's movie. He carried it around the rest of the day and would show it to anyone who looked at him. lol We went and stood in line for Pirates of the Caribbean and we went together. Bear's loves it except the initial drop in the dark. He wraps his arms around me for that part. But he loves seeing everything else.  Afterwards we walked around for a while and then bought a hot dog and ate some snacks together. A Disney cast member stopped by our table and gave  Baby Bear a button. He was supper excited and would not let go of his new button. ha ha ha
Next we found a great spot on Main Street and hung out for an hour waiting for the parade to start. I know it sounds a little odd to sit on the street for an hour waiting for a parade, but if you don't you won't get a good spot. This time we were able to get a good enough spot that no one sat in front of us. It was cool.  Bear's played and we took funny pictures while we waited. Then Bear's made a friend in the stroller next to us, and she shared her popcorn with Baby Bear. She wouldn't share with her parents but was passing him pieces. We were all laughing at how cute it was. And Baby Bear's was loving getting to eat all the pop corn. He watched the parade in awe the whole time. Then he just started grinning. He loved it. As we were waiting for the parade to start a big storm blew in and it got pretty chilly. Then at the very end of the parade it started to drizzle a little.

So since someone had purchased the rest of the day for the park (a celebrity bought out the park from 8-12) we opted to be done. As soon as the parade ended we headed back to the car. Lucky we did because we didn't get really rained on.  As soon as Bear's and I got home and got the stuff in the house it started to really rain. Phew!
We had an excellent time and I really want to renew my membership for another premium annual pass. ;0D We will see what I can do. lol I love having special little dates with my Baby Bear. It is so fun and I love making all these memories with him.
XoXo-Mama Bear

May 2, 2013

The Mighty Woman

It is amazing how far the Woman has come in life.  First we appeared as this weak little thing that can't handle herself in public. That is regarded as second to a man. But upon a closer look one could see the strength of these women.

Over time the Woman has evolved into a fierce being not to be toyed with.  Women have learned that they can use this power for good or evil.  Many of us test the waters with this power. Small probes at first testing out our independence and some go further than others.  Some use the power to rebel against what we have been taught but eventually fall into stride with others. And some refuse to become an adult constantly feeling like the world is out to get them and make many mistakes in life.
     What some do from that point is either grow and learn, or forever be the victim and become bitter and cruel.

If you knew the old me at all, I was constantly pushing the boundaries of my life. I made many wrong decisions and hurt some who were close to me.  I was a little slow on the whole learning thing. But it is what it is. I will forever pay the consequences of my past decisions. Some I will never be able to escape.

I have loved, lost, and been hurt. I have been crushed by those closest to me to the point where I didn't think I could survive. Even after this last year I have somehow survived the worst pain and betrayal I have ever felt. I still feel I am weak and in pieces, but I grow from this daily. It is just one of many trials in my life.

A point I wanted to make is Women are the Monarch in the family that holds everything together. We have so much power and influence for good or evil. No matter if we are part of a singular family, or if many are involved.  We hold the power to dictate the outcome.  We can choose to forgive painful mistakes, overlook weaknesses, and still charge forward making our family a better place. Or we can stay stuck in a vindictive cycle of pain and hurt.

Some might remember my friend Amazing J who struck out on he own as a single mom in a community that is known as less than welcoming to that.  Even though the father of her child had hurt her beyond repair and she felt it was better for her and her child to strike out alone. She was able to move past the pain and resentment and forgive. Once she let that go she opened up her life to so many amazing things. Now she is happy and thriving. She knows that her ex will be in her life always and she has made peace with that and has embraced his new family as well. They are one huge family now. Not what some think as the conventional family, but a family regardless of past actions.

If you are in a situation where you have more in your family than you thought, You have a unique situation for your child if it is yours, or your spouses. You can now use your power to bring the family together regardless of how you feel about some of them, or you can forever choose to be the victim and or be cruel. The choice is up to you. You have the ability to shape your world. Granted you always dislike them, but do not plant that seed in children. They will be just as adventurous as we were and figure out what opinion they have on the situation. But you can show them that they are loved from all regardless.  Do not over-ride the mother, and do not underestimate the power of the step-mother. Do not be vindictive and cruel. Let it go. Once something happens it is done, things are already moving into the past.
Be strong, and choose to move forward for the better.

The Woman is amazing and powerful. Never forget that.

XoXo- Mama Bear