September 30, 2012

A little Uplifted

This last week has been the best I have had in MONTHS! And nothing major really happened.  After Baby Bear's visit to the geneticist we went to Deseret Book in La Jolla. I found a book that described  how I feel so perfectly. So I thought I would share why I bought it.

Allow me to paint a word picture for you. You've wanted to go to the Italian countryside all your life, and now the moment you've dreamed of is here.
     You are standing on a hill with tall grass and cornflowers waving around you. It is i springtime, and the breeze is gentle with just a kiss of warmth. Above you the sky is as blue as something from an impressionist's paint box-so--so deep a blue that it verges on periwinkle. There are no clouds, but the sun is gentle, caressing you as it sits on your shoulders. The trees around the meadow are heavy with sweet-smelling, ivory-white pear blossoms. In the distance, you can see Florence-ancient and mellow, the muddy green Arno River running through it. You can just make out the cathedral, and you can vaguely hear the bells tolling their achingly deep tones. Your spouse is standing beside you. The sacrifice of this person, whose sole object is to please you, has made this whole experience possible. Out of nowhere, a string quartet begins to play Vivaldi.

                      You feel nothing. Your heart is dead. Everything might as well be ashes.

"Is it everything you dreamed?" your spouse asks, looking into your face with concerned hopefulness.
    "Yes," you lie, overcome with guilt because your stone heart cannot even feel gratitude or love toward this person. In that moment, you feel like the most wretched, horrible person on earth. You have everything anyone could want, and yet you are miserable. You would even welcome death to stop the only thing you can feel--deep, yawning. black despair.

That is from the first page of the book I bought. It is called Deliverance from Depression Finding Hope and Healing through The Atonement of Christ by G.G., Greg, and David Vandagriff. The title kind of caught my eye. I wasn't really looking for this, I didn't know what I was looking for. But after having a worrisome Dr. visit I wandered the entire store twice looking for SOMETHING. I needed something, I just didn't know what. So I grabbed the book and read the first page. It described how I felt about everything. So I figured it couldn't hurt to read he whole thing. It isn't a large book. But I have to say G.G.'s story is good. Very honest and good.

Since reading 99.9% of the book I have felt a little better. Not sure why yet. Maybe it is I feel a little hope. Maybe it is the comfort the book gave me. I am sure in a little more time I will figure it out. I do have to say though that walking around in that store was the first time I have felt at peace in almost 2 years. I am thinking another visit soon will be in order. I just wish it wasn't so dang far away. Oh well.

This weekend was Papa and Mama Bear's 12 year anniversary!!! I know many didn't think we would make it this far. Heck I am sure both of us at some point in our marriage didn't think we would have survived this long. But here we are. And we made it. It has been a long hard craptastic journey. But we have made it. I have to say I am a different person, and I guess that is a good and a bad thing. But I need to make the most with what I do have, not cry about what I had or who I was. This is me, this is now, and I need to move forward. I am no longer the peppy cheerleader, and I don't believe in happy endings. But I do believe in hard work. And maybe just maybe something good comes from that hard work. ;0D
   For our anniversary we went to DisneyLand. And of course we took our bear with us. So we sweated it out in almost 100 degree weather and I made it on 2 rides and Papa and the Bear made it on 3. We just walked around and enjoyed the sites, searching for the best pins around, and just plain having fun. We missed Fantasmic which I do not understand why when I am with Papa we never make it. But when I take myself I get to see it. Ughhhh I want my bear to see it soooo much! Next time I am setting out a blanket and chairs early. hmmph!!! lol But we got a great picture of us. (Yes mom I said picture...not pictures) You see before we went to NeverLand my Mother told me that she wanted some great pictures with a good camera. I assured her that I would take a good camera, not my phone. So when we got in the car I got out my camera and plugged the battery and charger in to make sure it was fully charged for the day. (Yah my car has a plug in the back for ipad, chargers, laptops and such. It even has a slot for a thumb drive thingy..I forgot the real name.  lol ) So with camera charging, car packed, we headed off to NeverLand. About 1 1/2 hours later we arrived, parked, packed the stroller, and we were off. We got into the park, changed a bear, and went to get a picture in front of the castle only to find out my battery was still in the charger plugged into the car!!! Ughhhhh Go figure. It was to hot to take the tram back to the garage, find the car, and then come all the way back. I would have lost major fun time with the bear. So Alas this visit has very little pictures. But I will share them again soon. And we are going back again soon.

But I do have to say my little Baby Bear went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride because Papa had to take him. I didn't want to and was worried it was going to scare the tar out of the Bear. But I strapped him to me in the ERGO baby carrier, and he did great. He looked around the whole time and at the end insisted on getting into Papa's lap. He even pointed at the flames of the burning town Tortuga and blew on them like they were hot. lol
     The best part was Papa holding Baby Bear during the fireworks, and the Bear putting both his hands over his mouth and saying over and over again "WOW, WOW, WOW!!!" It was great!

Well that is all for now. This Mama needs to get some sleep.

XoXo-Mama Bear

September's Shenanigans

1-I LOVE That you are my amazing son

2-I LOVE watching you learn and play

3-I LOVE that you love your Harry Potter Glasses

4-I LOVE taking you to DisneyLand


XoXo-Mama Bear

September 25, 2012

Failing & Directionally Challenged!

Yeserday Mama, Papa, and Baby Bears headed to San Diego to Balboa Hospital for Baby Bears appointment with a Geneticist. I drove most of the way before pushing the OnStar button and asking for directions to the Hospital since I am so directionally challenged that it doesn't matter how many times I have been....I can never find it again. Yah I know I am lame!

So we asked OnStar to find it......Big surprise they couldn't locate it for me. So we googled the addy and then called OnStar back and gave it to them so they could send us the directions. Well it sent us all over and we got a little lost. I am not a fan of the New OnStar in this car.  It is not reliable at all. It shows you the upcoming exits, but you can't see what you are supposed to take, so you end up taking the wrong one. Grrrrrrr  So given the wrong directions, the inability to read the directions correctly, and my directionally challenged self.....we were doomed from the beginning!! ;0(

We finally got to Balboa and parked with seconds to spare. Luckily we did not miss the appointment.

Baby Bear got weighed in, and the scale said 18lbs. but that was with his clothes and diaper on. So he is still 17lbs.  We went into his appointment and it was so funny all Baby Bear wanted to do was play in the sink. lol So while we talked to the Dr. Baby Bear splashed in the sink. ha ha ha Finally we had to turn the water off because the Bear and I were getting soaked! lol

Once again the Dr. said she couldn't find anything wrong with the bear that would send up red flags. She said we could do tests that take an x-ray of his bones to see the growth and calcium build up on them and see if his bones are aging at the rate they are supposed to or if they are behind.  We can stick a scope up his nose into his tum tum.....And some other things like that. But she said it would only help us by saying Aha he is good or Hmmmm let's do a bunch of other tests. I said no to this. Unless she thinks that it is necessary then no. I am no longer subjecting my son to random tests. He isn't a Ginny pig.

The other thing she said we need to start preparing for is a feeding tube on my Bear. She said we don't have a lot of time left before his not eating well will start to affect his brain. Hearing that hurt. I hate the idea of a feeding tube in my bear. and the thought of going at this alone all day is scary. I know that this might be what is best for my son, but the thought of it is sooo scary. And adding this on top of his Failure to Thrive, and all the stress and anxiety I have been feeling is a lot to deal with.

I need to research this a lot more before we make a decision. But It makes me feel horrid that my sweet little boy has to have a feeding tube put in. I want to protect him from pain and here I'll be causing it. Yes I know it will benefit him in the end, but it doesn't change the fact that  feel like I am betraying him in the trust area. I know it is what's best, and he can't understand that. But It doesn't change the fact that I feel horrible about it. 

I didn't think my heart could feel any heavier with sadness. But apparently it can.

I feel like I have completely failed my Bear. This sweet, Innocent, and amazing little man who relies on me to take care of him is now needing to have something extreme done to him because I cannot seem to do what every other normal parent in the world can do. :0( Epic Parent fail!!

So that is all for now. I need to go take the Bear to his speech therapy appointment now.

XoXo-Mama Bear

September 23, 2012

As Long as I'm Living my Baby you'll be!!

This post goes in conjunction with the last post.  Listening to Taylor Swifts song Ronan has made me think a whole lot about my amazing Baby Bear.  I truly am blessed to have such a beautiful baby bear.

   I know lately I have been down in the dumps. But I really am trying so hard to keep going and find happiness in the smallest of places. And what better small place to find joy and happiness than my itty bitty little baby bear?!!

I fought for 10 years for my Bear. And now I have him.. = JOY!

His laugh is so wonderful and contagious... =JOY!

His smile can lift your spirits...... =JOY!!

He is trying so hard to learn new words, and is doing so well....=JOY!!

He blows me KISSES....... =ULTIMATE JOY!!

I get hugs and kisses on demand..... =Happy Happy JOY JOY!

Everyone who meets him says he is so sweet and cute...... = Fills my heart with Love and JOY!

So there are just a few little things to bring my spirits up that I can focus on.

           I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.

XoXo-Mama Bear

Sporting his new Harry Potter Glasses.


A Bear and his Animal!

Yummy Dinner

A Bear and his bestest BUD!

I don't think our clothes fit... lol

Our first merry go round ride

Best Friends taking a little nappy nap

Silly boy!

Little Surfer Boy!

My sweet little Baby Bear after his bath!

September 13, 2012

I Love you to the Moon and Back

Many of you might have seen the video that has been circulating lately about the song Taylor Swift wrote about a little boy with cancer. It is a great song, and is so beautiful. I listened to it and even though I am a huge booboo baby I didn't cry. But this evening my friend posted a link of a news story telling who the song was about.  The entire time I watched all I could see was my little Baby Bear and I was filled with all the warm fuzzy feelings of how much I love that little man.

So here is the beautiful song:
I am so in love with this song.  It really makes me so thankful every day for my little man. And tonight it made me think a lot about how even though life has been pretty rough lately.....but my Baby Bear is so beautiful and amazing. And even though doctors cannot find out what is going on with my little guy...he is still the most wonderful thing in the world to me.

XoXo-Mama Bear

September 12, 2012

Nothing New

Well not much has changed as of late.  I will say that I did get a promotion with Scentsy!! I am proud to say that I am now a Lead Consultant!! Wooohooo  I am hoping to achieve Director by next year, but who knows what will be going on by then.

Baby Bear still isn't doing well. He is officially listed as a Failure to Thrive baby. It is hard to not take that as a personal parent fail. He is 19 months and and 17 lbs. and 10 ounces. ;0( He is still 0% and 0%.  Trying to get him to eat lately is a fight. He just doespsn't want to eat. And we offer him everything. We are advised from his doctors and I do mean Plural.....(pediatrician, nutritionist, Occupational therapist, speech therapist, gastrinoltologist (sp?), pediatric genetasis(sp?)) to feed him fatty foods like fried, and things full of butter and oil. We have done that and get no results. We try feeding him healthy stuff and get the same results. ughhh It is pretty frustrating.  He just isn't interested in food! Like today so far he had a few crackers, and some milk. But I cannot get him to actually EAT and it is 5 p.m. ;0( Hopefully one of these days he will take an interest in food before we have to put a feeding tube in him. I am starting to get worried about him. ;0(

I was getting sick of him waking up all through the night and not going back to sleep when we put him back in his crib. He will fall asleep in my arms but the second he touches the crib bed he wakes up. ughhh So we took apart the awesome captains bed and threw the full size bed on the floor. He now sleeps in a big boy bed and loves it. Now he doesn't sleep through the night still and it is taking a toll on this worn out Mama Bear....But he sleeps a little better now that he is in a big boy bed. lol I think.   At least it is easier t get him in his bed instead of feeling like we are dumping over the edge of te crib into the bottom. lol

Papa Bear and I want to come home for Christmas this year, but we aren't sure as well. The only reason I don't want to is I don't want my mother-in-law touching my son. But I think this is going to be yet another battle I will not win. But I have to admit the thought of her touching or even kissing my bear makes my skin crawl.   Sigh!!

Thank goodness the weather is starting to cool down a little. It is still insanely humid and that is gross but at least the heat is starting to drop. I still run the a/c because of the humidity but other than that it's nice.

Baby Bear has been going to speech Therapy twice a week. and it is funny. He does not have a problem communicating.....he just doesn't want to speak. He surprises his teacher by communicating with her just fine but doesn't want to talk. lol His last session he would not talk the entire time until the very last minute. lol It can be a bit frustrating. I wish I could help my bear a little.

I started to do Vending at the Oceanside Swap Meet. And after 2 days, a really nice sunburn, having to deal with stupid Military wives who like to cause drama.... I spent $112 for that weekend with fees, gas, and some water. I sold $100 worth of stock, and so came out upside down. I handed out almost 75 catalogs, and flyer's all with my information on it. I have not received even one phone call yet. And to top it off I had to deal with immature wives trying to start she said type of fights. I do not have the energy or the heart for that crap so I asked to be removed. I know it pissed off the main girl. But after everything she had the nerve to accuse me of crap due to gossip. My heart can't take it. I considered her a real friend. But a friend doesn't treat you like that. If they have a problem or a question they come to you not accuse you of something.  So I am now done with that. I am looking to vend at other events. And the fact I don't speak Spanish made it really hard to sell at the swap meet because it consisted primarily of Hispanics. And I know very little Spanish.  So that's done...Hopefully a better opportunity will arise soon.

Well that is all for now. I know nothing really exciting is going on. Just the usual craptastic life. lol

XoXo-Mama Bear