This last week has been the best I have had in MONTHS! And nothing major really happened. After Baby Bear's visit to the geneticist we went to Deseret Book in La Jolla. I found a book that described how I feel so perfectly. So I thought I would share why I bought it.
Allow me to paint a word picture for you. You've wanted to go to the Italian countryside all your life, and now the moment you've dreamed of is here.
You are standing on a hill with tall grass and cornflowers waving around you. It is i springtime, and the breeze is gentle with just a kiss of warmth. Above you the sky is as blue as something from an impressionist's paint box-so--so deep a blue that it verges on periwinkle. There are no clouds, but the sun is gentle, caressing you as it sits on your shoulders. The trees around the meadow are heavy with sweet-smelling, ivory-white pear blossoms. In the distance, you can see Florence-ancient and mellow, the muddy green Arno River running through it. You can just make out the cathedral, and you can vaguely hear the bells tolling their achingly deep tones. Your spouse is standing beside you. The sacrifice of this person, whose sole object is to please you, has made this whole experience possible. Out of nowhere, a string quartet begins to play Vivaldi.
You feel nothing. Your heart is dead. Everything might as well be ashes.
"Is it everything you dreamed?" your spouse asks, looking into your face with concerned hopefulness.
"Yes," you lie, overcome with guilt because your stone heart cannot even feel gratitude or love toward this person. In that moment, you feel like the most wretched, horrible person on earth. You have everything anyone could want, and yet you are miserable. You would even welcome death to stop the only thing you can feel--deep, yawning. black despair.
That is from the first page of the book I bought. It is called Deliverance from Depression Finding Hope and Healing through The Atonement of Christ by G.G., Greg, and David Vandagriff. The title kind of caught my eye. I wasn't really looking for this, I didn't know what I was looking for. But after having a worrisome Dr. visit I wandered the entire store twice looking for SOMETHING. I needed something, I just didn't know what. So I grabbed the book and read the first page. It described how I felt about everything. So I figured it couldn't hurt to read he whole thing. It isn't a large book. But I have to say G.G.'s story is good. Very honest and good.
Since reading 99.9% of the book I have felt a little better. Not sure why yet. Maybe it is I feel a little hope. Maybe it is the comfort the book gave me. I am sure in a little more time I will figure it out. I do have to say though that walking around in that store was the first time I have felt at peace in almost 2 years. I am thinking another visit soon will be in order. I just wish it wasn't so dang far away. Oh well.
This weekend was Papa and Mama Bear's 12 year anniversary!!! I know many didn't think we would make it this far. Heck I am sure both of us at some point in our marriage didn't think we would have survived this long. But here we are. And we made it. It has been a long hard craptastic journey. But we have made it. I have to say I am a different person, and I guess that is a good and a bad thing. But I need to make the most with what I do have, not cry about what I had or who I was. This is me, this is now, and I need to move forward. I am no longer the peppy cheerleader, and I don't believe in happy endings. But I do believe in hard work. And maybe just maybe something good comes from that hard work. ;0D
For our anniversary we went to DisneyLand. And of course we took our bear with us. So we sweated it out in almost 100 degree weather and I made it on 2 rides and Papa and the Bear made it on 3. We just walked around and enjoyed the sites, searching for the best pins around, and just plain having fun. We missed Fantasmic which I do not understand why when I am with Papa we never make it. But when I take myself I get to see it. Ughhhh I want my bear to see it soooo much! Next time I am setting out a blanket and chairs early. hmmph!!! lol But we got a great picture of us. (Yes mom I said picture...not pictures) You see before we went to NeverLand my Mother told me that she wanted some great pictures with a good camera. I assured her that I would take a good camera, not my phone. So when we got in the car I got out my camera and plugged the battery and charger in to make sure it was fully charged for the day. (Yah my car has a plug in the back for ipad, chargers, laptops and such. It even has a slot for a thumb drive thingy..I forgot the real name. lol ) So with camera charging, car packed, we headed off to NeverLand. About 1 1/2 hours later we arrived, parked, packed the stroller, and we were off. We got into the park, changed a bear, and went to get a picture in front of the castle only to find out my battery was still in the charger plugged into the car!!! Ughhhhh Go figure. It was to hot to take the tram back to the garage, find the car, and then come all the way back. I would have lost major fun time with the bear. So Alas this visit has very little pictures. But I will share them again soon. And we are going back again soon.
But I do have to say my little Baby Bear went on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride because Papa had to take him. I didn't want to and was worried it was going to scare the tar out of the Bear. But I strapped him to me in the ERGO baby carrier, and he did great. He looked around the whole time and at the end insisted on getting into Papa's lap. He even pointed at the flames of the burning town Tortuga and blew on them like they were hot. lol
The best part was Papa holding Baby Bear during the fireworks, and the Bear putting both his hands over his mouth and saying over and over again "WOW, WOW, WOW!!!" It was great!
Well that is all for now. This Mama needs to get some sleep.
XoXo-Mama Bear
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