February 29, 2012

The Lying Game

Recently a friend of mine confided in me what she has been going through. Her life seems to be falling apart around her and no matter what she does....she can't seem to stop it. I asked if I could blog about this subject of hers and she gave me her blessing.

   My friend has been married for a long time. And I mean a long time. She has kids, and a sturdy belief in her faith. She isn't rich, she isn't poor, but she lives a comfortable life. Her husband I do not know that well. I have only met him once. He didn't have a great childhood, but has come a long ways from what he grew up with. 

So after a particularly stressful week recently he dropped a bomb on her. He asked if they could talk, and then out of no where just dropped a bomb on her that he has been lying to her most of their marriage. He has an addiction that he is getting help with. She isn't concerned about that part. Sure she is disappointed in him. But it is something that many people are snared by, and isn't a huge deal. The part that she is having trouble with is the fact that he lies. He has made such a habit out of it that how is she supposed to know when he is or isn't? This has been eating her up inside and is slowly destroying her. I told her I love her, but am not sure what the right words for her are.

   It is so hurtful for a person you are supposed to love and trust, betray you in such a way. He is the type that isn't really sweet and loving towards her. He is the harsh mans man type, and so does not often show affection. So over the years she has tried to learn how to get by without that. But now to have this on top of everything has sent her over the edge.  I am afraid she isn't wanting to eat, shower, or take care of herself. I think she is doing the bare minimum to take care of her children but that is all.

    She told me she feels so empty inside now. Not only does he now show her affection, but he has lied to her about lying when she has asked him about it in the past. And he would look her in the eye and  reassure her that all was fine. And now come to find out that it was all just another lie.  She isn't sure if she should keep fighting for her marriage to work, but if she should just throw in the towel. She has gone to counseling before, but he refuses to participate stating he does not believe in it. She has next to no one to talk to, and I live hundreds of miles from her.

So I am asking each of my readers to please leave some advice and your thoughts here. Please be kind and loving. She knows about this post, and is looking for any thoughts that you might have. She says she feels in limbo and is not sure which way to go now. So please help her in any way you can.

XoXo-Mama Bear


  1. I've been married to my husband for 5 years and we have 2 children. We suffered through a period of lying about an addiction, both of which were equally as bad in my eyes. The addiction was disgusting and him lying to me about it, even though I had receipts of proof was enough to make me want to spit on him. I looked him in the eye and told him that if he thought for one minute that I NEEDED him in my life, he was surely mistaken because I am an educated and independent woman who could thrive with or without a spouse by my side. I told him that he needed to make a choice before I did. We started going to counseling. The addiction did not stop right away, but after some time it did get better. I'm proud to say he has been free of his addiction (At least to my knowledge) for a few years now. I was lucky that he was willing to go with me to counseling. And while giving an ultimatum isn't always the best solution, sometimes certain situations warrant it and sometimes it's exactly what is needed to open their eyes.

    I would recommend that first, your friend seek counseling for herself. She can't fix a broken situation if she herself is broken as well. She needs to know that she is worthy of a honest and loving husband. And once she has come to that point, then her counselor can help her find a way to confront her husband about it in a manner that will suit them both. And if that doesn't help, and she comes to a point of no other option, she can go to his command (if he is in the military) and they can encourage him to attend counseling (they are required to give him the time off for it).

  2. I am a big believer that life is too short to settle, if she is not getting the affection she needs, if she is not getting the respect she deserves, if he isn't being honest (which is the worst thing ever to me, I could even accept an affair if the truth was told to me immediately, lying just destroys everything IMHO.) then she should cut her losses and get out unless he is prepared to change A LOT (I hate that "man's man" BS that guys try to pull, it doesn't make you manly to be a jerk to your wife, My husband is the most "masculine" man I have ever met, and he loves to cuddle, get pedicures, and take ballroom dance classes with me because he wants to make me happy, and his masculinity isn't defined by arbitrary social standards as associated with male/female roles.)

    It's scary and crappy to think about starting again, but if he is addicted to what I assume he is (porn) then he has already disrespected her enough, and she will more likely then not carry the baggage of that into her future interactions with him and her own insecurities, where as a fresh start has no history of ugly, and future relationships would not have the fear of relapse as well as the negativity of proven lack of trust.