February 8, 2014

Whispers of Failure

I had this huge post planned and even typed it out. But I don't want to be a whiny victim.

As I have been making changes in my life. new e-mail (I had the last one since I was 14 I think, and it felt time to grow up and have an adult e-mail. lol) Changing my blog name that is something of my own. not something that ties me to another person, not something that associates me with something or someone else.  I am trying my best to become a better me, and a more independent me. Not someone who is so independent on another that I do not even exist anymore.

Sunday I tried to go into the Relief Society class. I was feeling pretty confident in the day and went for it.  We started reciting the Relief Society declaration

 But just seconds in a loud sob escaped me while hearing the part that says: Dedicate ourselves to strengthening marriages, families, and homes.... I wanted to yell out B.S. and I was quickly on my way of having a public cryfest which I did not want to do. So I was luckily right by the door and just grabbed my purse and made a fast exit.  I checked on Baby bear in the nursery and he was playing and having fun. So I ran out to the car and hid where I could try to pull myself together in private. But then I was worrying that what if something happened to bear's and they were looking for me. And so I came back in, but opted out of more humiliation and just stayed in the hall. Well ALL of the relief society council decided to keep coming out to talk to me. They all tried to invite themselves over for a visit and I kept declining and stating that life is hectic right now and I just cannot right now. Thanks but no thanks. But they were not taking the hint. So they brought me up in the weekly meeting and were all afraid they had offended me somehow. So then I am getting phone calls about it. Ughhhhh  So let me lay it out here okay.

I am fragile right now. Okay. While I am mourning the loss of my life that I had, and the life I thought I was going to have, I am also trying to make sense of this chaos. Just respect that, and please give me some time. It feels like I can't even catch my breath enough to try to make some good changes in my life. So right now all I am doing is treading water trying to keep my head above it.  My full focus is on taking care of my little man right now, and not myself. So just give me a little time. And at the same time respect that your time table on what you think I should be doing, accomplishing, and changing, probably is not the same time table as mine. (nor should you expect it to be.)

Just be gentle with me, respect my decisions right now and what I am trying to do with my life, and before you say or do anything to me ask yourself first    ( this going to help or hinder her life?)

XoXo- Mama Bear

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