October 15, 2011

The Fight from Within

So today I joined Weight Watchers again. I did it while Papa Bear was deployed back in 2007, and I did great with it. I dropped a lot of weight. But once Papa Bear came home.....He was not into my style of eating and such. So I stopped going. I really didn't gain it back until we moved up by San Fran and I stopped working.....then I got Pregnant with my Baby Bear....and was sick the entire time and so pretty much stayed in bed and got UBER fat. You know I don't like the word fat....let's just say Chunky...yah I am a chunky butt!! ha ha ha ha
But I figured if I put my biggest embarrassment out in the open for all to see.....Then I am really going to have more of a motivation to continue and reach the goals I have set for myself. The ultimate goal is to get to a Healthy Weight. I am not sure what my current weight is right now...but I know it is embarrassingly high. We will say 245 for now. I could be lower or higher...I am not sure. My first meeting is on Thursday. I am excited to go. I wish I could go before then....but alas that is the soonest meeting. I will know my real numbers at that time. My goal is somewhere between 135-155 I think that is a healthy weight for me. I would like to drop between 10-15lbs. by the end of the year. But I really would like to be 20 lbs. lighter by the end of the year. Alas I need to keep my goals realistic though. We will see how I do. ;0)
I used to be so stinking skinny. Granted I was about 20 at my skinniest....and it is 11 years later now. But.....I hate the person I am. I used to be so confident and vibrant. Now I hide. I used to be able to go into a room and join in anything that was going on. Now I try to blend into the wall. I hear how everyone makes fun of the fat girl. And if you have ever been around Marines....they are not kind to the fat girl. Not all Marines are like that...But it hurts knowing that where ever I go I am looked over by everyone and judged as the fat girl. I no longer am judged as the fun pretty girl, the girl who loves books, horses, and dancing. The girl who loves the outdoors. I fall only into one category..... THE FAT GIRL and I hate it. It is depressing, tiring, and has broken down my soul.
I want to be able to run around with Baby Bear, and not be so tired. I want to be able to take him places and not get so hot and tired. I want to be able to run with him on the playground and keep up (to a certain point). I never want his friends to make fun of me to him. I want him to look up to me and respect me. And I never want him to be embarrassed of me.
I hate going to functions in the Marine Corps....because I am always the fat wife. I feel like I embarrass my husband, disappoint him, and do not live up to the Military Wife he needs, deserves, and I should be to support him as a Ssgt.
So I might sound a little hard on myself...but that is how I feel. I mean I danced Ballet for 13 years.....I did Drill Team, and Cheerleading. I was cute and skinny. I know that person is still in me somewhere...I just need a little extra help to bring her back out of this titanium tight shell she has trapped herself in. She is in there I know it...Because when I dream....its her that is in my dream...not the current me.
So here it is....all my naked truths laid out in the open for the world to see.
Yes I am going to do something about it....
I AM doing something about it.
So I will keep you updated with hopefully weekly updates (time permitting) about how I am doing, what I am doing, and where my inner me is. Feel free to leave comments, encouragement...or heck keep me in check. ;0) those posts that are only about my weight...will be titled The Fight from Within.
XoXo-Andrea Carla

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