It is once again 12:30 a.m. and I am not even remotely tired. This is getting old. I am tired. My whole body aches, but when I turn out the light and put on my face mask so I can't look around....all I do is lay there and toss and turn. I just can't seem to fall asleep. I have suffered from this for years. I am a night owl. I prefer the night. Bad things happen at night, and so if I am up and active during the night....then I guess I have a better chance of catching, stopping, or preventing whatever bad things are going on around me. Paranoid much?
As I lay awake I think of so many things. It is really hard to turn my mind off at night. Every once in a while I will find something that helps me sleep....and then it is like my mind learns how to get around it. ANNOYING!!! I have tried listening to Enya, a hypno CD, tapping, 4 Ambien and 2 muscle relaxers, warm milk and hot toast.....and even as a child I remember my sister making me a hot potato with cheese, or putting a little cinnamon in hot/warm milk for me. Nothing seems to work. I do feel like a freak most of the time because of this.
The things I think about while laying awake range in differences so wide. Like tonight, I have been thinking about failing with Riley. Will I be a good mom or a bad mom? Will I be able to be successful at breastfeeding, or have to resort to formula. And can we afford formula? I worry about money issues. I worry about remembering to pay bills on time since I have become pregnant I have forgotten on more than one occasion. I worry about my family getting the opportunity to meet Riley as a baby when Chuck does not want me to drive home alone. I worry about our move that is coming up and if we will be stuck with 29 palms, or get lucky and get San Diego like we are praying for. Will my grandma be able to meet Riley before she passes like I have always dreamed? Will I be able to get the stroller before Riley is born? Will I be okay being a single new mom when Chuck has to leave for training shortly after Riley is born for 3 months? Will I be okay when he has to deploy? Will I get the house clean enough before Riley comes? Will I be able to enjoy Riley's delivery? Or will I be in so much pain and misery that I can't enjoy him once he arrives? Am I always eating good enough? And of course I get songs stuck in my head. For this evenings entertainment I have Beyonce's Ring song, and that weird commercial song with the hamsters and the cars...Yah! Also my back has been really hurting me lately, and Riley has found my bladder a fun thing to push on. So even when I do fall asleep.....I wake up within an hour because I have to use the restroom. Poor Chuck says my constantly getting up doesn't bother him, but I know it does and so I worry that I am always being to loud at night around him. I always have a craving for food around midnight and 7a.m. and then I can finally sleep well once the sun is up. And of course one of the biggest things I worry about is......Will Riley be made fun of in school for his name? I hope it is a good name that he can carry over with him as an adult. I worry it doesn't sound sophisticated enough. I worry about Riley meeting the In-laws, I worry a lot. I wish I had a switch I could just turn it off at night. I guess there isn't much I can do.
It is funny because I have always been a cold person. That doesn't sound right, but I am always running cold. I am always freezing is what I mean. Everyone else would always be fine, and I would be wearing a jacket. Well it seems now that the tables have turned on Chuck and I. He is always wearing a jacket, and has been pretty cold this winter. Me on the other hand I swear I am having hot flashes. For no reason at all I will suddenly feel like my face is flushing hot. Like I am sitting in front of a space heater or fire. I will feel like I am on fire and melting. It will only last a short while, and then it goes away. It is soooo weird. But every time we go outside or into town I don't bring a jacket. I am so hot that I don't need one. In fact I usually end up sitting down and having to fan myself because I have sweat running down my face. I am weird I know. But I am blaming this one on Riley. ha ha ha
I have really grown fond of the tapping game with Riley. He kicks me in the side....and then I tap or press firmly where he kicked a few times, and then he kicks me back. It is a fun game for us. He has also done it for Chuck. It was pretty fun to see him bonding with Riley. I mean sure I am having a whole different relationship with him than Chuck gets right now. And so when Chuck can actually be a part of Riley's interactions, I find it pretty cool.
I have been putting a lot of thought behind having this years blog published into a book. I think this online journaling is pretty awesome. Although I have to admit my real journaling has suffered from it. I used to love sitting and writing page after page in my journals, I have I think 14 from the last 10 years....but since I got prego, I have slacked in the journal writing a lot. Who knows.....maybe this will become my thing for a while.
Well this is all for now.