March 11, 2011

Rough Day

Today wasn't the best of days. In the last two weeks I have found 2 fleas. (one each week) We have lived here about 3 years now and haven't had one flea. I try so hard to keep things nice and clean and bug free in my home. It's hard living in flea country where your dog even looks outside and he seems to get covered in fleas. But I have done pretty well since we got our dogs 9 years ago. Well when I find a bug I kind of freak out. I feel so gross and unsanitary and yucky. So today while I was trying to pump I saw one on Harley. I had to pump and had got Riley down for a nap. He will only take a long nap if I keep the vibrating music box touching him. Well it only stays on for 15 minutes. So I hooked everything up, and then set a timer. I would unhook from the pump, run down the hall and reset the box every 14 minutes so my Riley bug wouldn't wake up. Then I went to town on the house. I picked everything off the floor and then vacuumed. Then I turned on the air purifier, and the Scentsy warmer. I got out the flea spray and sprayed down the carpets and the couch. The dogs were locked in the kitchen, and I was still running back to our bedroom every 14 minutes to reset the box so Riley would sleep. I got half the house done and then Riley woke up.

I have been feeling down lately because I just feel like I am not doing things right. I feel like I didn't have Riley, Like I didn't create him. And I can't breastfeed him no matter how hard I try. I just feel like a failure sometimes. And it doesn't help to look at myself in the mirror and know that I am the fat mommy.
I know I know you are all going to tell me that it's okay and I am doing the best I can, and that I just had the baby, and such. But it doesn't change how I feel. And I just want one night off. But alas no one will help me with that. I am just starting to feel very frustrated.

I am so stinkin tired!!! The longest I have slept in the last two months might be 4 hours....but I am pretty sure it's about 3 1/2. It is starting to catch up with me.

Chuck's inspection has got him stressed, so he comes home in a foul/stressed mood, which in turn turns my mood and it's adding up. I can't wait until week after next!
I am still searching for a hospital grade pump so I can continue to feed Riley. I am not sure what I am supposed to do once I have to give this pump back if I can't get one. How am I supposed to feed Riley? Why do they have to cost about $1,000???? So if you know of anyone who has one they want to sell, or know how I can get one for cheap.....please please let me know.....I am begging you!!!
Well I need to pumping time is over.

XoXo-Andrea Carla

1 comment:

  1. Hey girl! Go see your doctor! It sounds like Postpartum Depression to me. You owe it to yourself and little Riley to get better!